Thursday, February 17, 2157
I can’t write today. I know I should, but I can’t. I’m still at the mouth of the tunnel and the voices returned.
They won’t leave me alone and I left my medicine at home. I was stupid and didn’t think bring it.
I put it out of my head. No! Stop it!
I put it out of my head that this might happen.
LOOK, THIS ISN’T MY FUCKING FAULT, ALRIGHT??? I WASN’T EVEN FUCKING BORN YET!!!!!
I don’t know what triggered it exactly. The bigger bay, lapping around what used to be the Berkeley campus.
STOP TORTURING ME!
No, I know what it is. My eyes fell on them first. The leaning towers, way in the distances. They call the pyramid the dancing lady. They say she shifts from side to. . .
LEAVE ME ALONE!! LEAVE ME ALONE!! STOP TORTURING ME! IT’S NOT MY FAULT! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Does that help? Look at me. I’m weathered. I’m tired. I’m thirsty. I’m hungry. I have nothing. I’m so very, very sorry.
Just please leave me alone.
Saturday, February 18, 2157
I came down the hill, a haggard mess, ranting and raving. But at least the voices have stopped.
That was the worst attack I’ve had in a very long time. And to think, I did not have my pills. Well, I found a drug store, abandoned, of course, like most everything else bay side. But at least it was abandoned in the last year or so, because the pills are only just reaching their expiration time. I just took one, though. That shut up the voices for a bit.
If there was a shrink around, I could talk to her. But I haven’t seen a doctor in years. They all live in A and B areas, inaccessible to me.
What would I tell the shrink? I don’t know if I’m able to talk about that just yet. I did some reading, though, back at the big house that does put it all in perspective for me. At least I know, that I’m not alone in my — what do I call it — absent guilt? Ghost guilt? Yes, I think ghost guilt works best. I’m not the first.
So yeah, here I am, somewhere on the Berkeley/Oakland border. Piedmont is an island. My god, this bay is enormous.
It just occurred to me that I don’t really know where this desalinization station is located. The flyers said Point Richmond, but that’s been under for ages. So I wonder where they mean? I’m trying to stay on the high side of things so that I can scan around and find the place. It’s gotta be big, hard to miss.
The pills aren’t the only thing that’s got me calm. I also refreshed my H2O supply. Found a tap that worked. My lucky day. So now I have more than when I started out. I can’t tell if its bay toilet stuff or not. But at this point, I don’t care. It’s wet.
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