the gar spot

fiction and musings from a gay black dude with delusions above his station

Menu
  • About
  • Privacy Policy
  • SIN AGAINST THE RACE, a novel
Menu
the gar spot fiction and musings from a gay black dude with delusions above his station

All the Familiar Places

Posted on March 10, 2014March 11, 2014 by gar

Dinosaur.

Dinosaur.

Dinosaur.

I’m lost. I enter rooms and forget where I am. I drive streets I’ve known since childhood aimlessly. I make wrong turns to correct other wrong turns.

Robert called me when both Mom and Dad, in their turns, passed on. I had to call my other siblings once I got word from Nancy, Robert’s partner of over 30 years, that he lost his battle with cancer. Louis and I had just visited that afternoon. Louis played bass guitar. Robert seemed to finger along with him. Then he seemed to have waved us away. A few hours after that visit, just after Louis and I returned home, Robert departed.

His eyes never closed. I saw astonishment, as if he were saying, “Is this really all there is?” It was eerie to look into that face, knowing that he would never look back at me again.

Dinosaur.

Dinosaur.

My mind frequently returns to the more familiar. Like when the family gathered at our place in Oakland for Christmas. Eartha Kitt had just passed. Robert called his friend Matt and they reminisced over the time she scolded them for endangering her dog while driving wildly in her neighborhood. The gorgeous songstress wore harsh lines of contempt as she glared at each of the boys in the car, one by one. “Consider yourselves spanked!” she hissed before walking away. Her anger, meant to chastise, had a different effect on the errant boys in the car. I could feel their adolescent hormones popping as Robert told the tale.

I’m remembering that Robert was the first person I came out to, before I was really ready to come out. It was during one of those moments in the bedroom together. He had just come in and I was in bed. We chatted about this and that. Somehow, somewhere, I asked if he would mind he I were gay. He said solemnly and lovingly that it would not matter to him at all. And in time, when I did come out, it did not.

Dinosaur.

Sometimes it hurts to remember the familiar places. While in LA, going through the motions after losing a loved one, I wondered what would it be like when I returned home to Oakland. In my office is the 77 year-old shortwave radio Robert gave to me when I was 10. Will it be hard to look at old faithful without feeling pangs? Robert got that radio at a summer job back in the late 60s. My dad brought it back to life. Robert kept it going for years afterwards, his nascent talents as an electrical engineer blossoming. In time, I learned a few things about maintaining it. But I don’t consider myself an electrical genius. Now both he and Dad are gone. How will I keep that old radio going without their superior expertise?

The dread of losing Robert started for me, really, months ago, when the operation had not done the trick, when the margins turned out not to be as clear as first thought. Robert didn’t like to give details. It was his attempt at staying positive. But I feared things were not going well. He was not putting on any weight and the swelling in his mouth was not decreasing, ominous clues. It entered his lungs, a bad sign.

Dinosaur.

I visited UCLA a few days after Robert passed. I sat on under the stone arches at Royce Hall, a place I’ve always called the porch, the location where I wrote some of my most personal journal entries when I was a student. I could see the dorms from where I sat. Long ago, Robert and a bunch of friends were in one of the rooms, studying for an engineering final. They crammed for hours, days. Then, the Sunday before the test, Robert said, “Let’s go to Disneyland!” And they did. He said they had the time of their lives. The next day, he aced the exam. No doubt his friends did, too.

Dinosaur.

Dinosaur.

Dinosaur.

One long ago late night, Robert came home, crept silently into the bedroom. I was already in bed. We chatted softly, though he was not convinced that I was fully awake. I had a habit of sleepwalking and sleep-talking when I was young. “OK,” he said, “the magic word is ‘dinosaur.’ If you remember that in the morning, then I know that you’re not asleep.” I’m still awake. I still remember.

Familiar places can hurt, their memories so searing. After my mother died, I couldn’t listen to classical music for years. But the familiar places also comfort. At times, in the right moments, they will be the warm embraces that physically are no longer there.

58 is too young to die. I hate cancer.

Robert Russell

Robert Adrian Russell, 1955 – 2014

RIP

[For another tribute of this remarkable man, please read my sister’s post at her site Makeup to Go!.]

© 2014, gar. All rights reserved.

9 thoughts on “All the Familiar Places”

  1. Jeffrey Round says:
    February 11, 2019 at 10:24 am

    Thanks, Gar. Beautiful piece. Beautiful memories. If this is all there is, we better remember to make the most of it while we can.

    Reply
    1. gar says:
      February 11, 2019 at 12:16 pm

      ????????❤️

      Reply
  2. Pingback: Mocean Worker - All About the Bass - the gar spot
  3. Pingback: Mom - 20 years later - the gar spot
  4. Pingback: Our Band Will Never Sound the Same Again - the gar spot
  5. Norm Abejon says:
    March 17, 2014 at 5:49 am

    Thanks to Mom and Pop Russell for raising a remarkable family….each and everyone of the Russell offspring are exceptional in what they do…the way they live…thanks Gar for touching us all in the same spirit that Robert always did….and still will….God bless your family

    Reply
  6. Tania says:
    March 11, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    I see you used the same photo. I love that photo. Yeah…. :-(

    Reply
  7. Matthew says:
    March 10, 2014 at 10:20 pm

    This is beautiful, Gar. Thanks for sharing about your brother and about your own feelings. It means a lot to hear this and be reminded of the sadness and beauty of loss. Years from now, the pangs will still be there, lessened by time, but the memories will be that much sweeter.

    Reply
    1. gar says:
      March 11, 2014 at 12:31 pm

      Thanks, Matthew.

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

SIN AGAINST THE RACE, a novel–Click image for info

Sin Against the Race

Contact

  • email gar

Twitter

Follow @the_gar_spot

Instagram

garmcveyrussell

Pride brunch. #pride #pridemonth #pridesunday #pr Pride brunch. 
#pride #pridemonth #pridesunday #prideday #pancakes #brunch
Dug up from the archives. I can’t believe we hav Dug up from the archives. I can’t believe we have to fight for this again. 
#abortionrights #abortionishealthcare #cisgaymanforchoice
Time to write more letters to encourage people to Time to write more letters to encourage people to vote. Tempus fugit.
#abortionrights #abortionishealthcare #roevwade #mymarriageisnext #voteblue #voterepublicansout
Pride flag over the Claremont Hotel. Don’t think Pride flag over the Claremont Hotel. Don’t think I’ve ever seen that before. 
#pride #pridemonth #berkeley
New outdoor dining set. #backporch #alfresco #hom New outdoor dining set. 
#backporch #alfresco #homedecor
Consulted with my editors this morning. I value th Consulted with my editors this morning. I value their feedback. 
#trees #hiking #oakland #writersofinstagram #iputmyfaithintrees
Remembering Roger Ebert on what would have been hi Remembering Roger Ebert on what would have been his 80th birthday. 
#rogerebert #writer #legend #cancersucks
Fly me to the moon (not pictured) Let me play amon Fly me to the moon (not pictured)
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter (the brighter one) and Mars
#backyardastronomy #jupiter #mars #predawn #goodmorning
A gorgeous day at the #oaklandgreekfestival #oakla A gorgeous day at the #oaklandgreekfestival #oakland #greekfestival #greek #music #food #ilovemycity
I used to rock the hell out of these. Cards of dis I used to rock the hell out of these. Cards of discovery and endless possibilities. I still miss them. 
#cardcatalog #library #knowledge #og #searchengine
A sunny Saturday in 1990 found my sister Tania (@m A sunny Saturday in 1990 found my sister Tania (@makeuptogoblog) and I outside of the Julia Morgan Center waiting. I had seen the great Maestro Pt. Shivkumar Sharma in LA—he even autographed an album for me. And I was studying tabla with his accompanist Ud. Zakir Hussain at the time. We couldn’t wait. But wait we did, because the maestros weren’t there. As my sister and I stood at the front of the line, they came. Ud. Zakirji was laughing and joking. Pt. Shivji looked as if he floated in as he passed and entered the theater. After we got settled in our seats, it was on. A beautiful concert with the two maestros playing rapturously, holding us spellbound. Pt. Shivji floated in like a deity and played to the heavens, taking us all with him. By far one of my favorite concerts. 

Words cannot describe how devastated I am at the great master’s passing. His gifts to music and the world are incalculable. My condolences to Panditji’s family, to @zakirhq9 , and to all who loved his beautiful music. #ptshivkumarsharma #indianclassicalmusic #santoor #rip
This makes me very happy. #oaklandgreekfestival # This makes me very happy. 
#oaklandgreekfestival #theyreback #yahoo #greek #oakland #ilovemycity
Happy 85th Birthday to legendary Maestro Ron Carte Happy 85th Birthday to legendary Maestro Ron Carter! The most recorded bassist in history, he was a huge inspiration for my late brother Robert. And he continues to inspire bassists and musicians to this day. 
#happybirthday #roncarter #legend #bassist #jazz #music
Dinner on the back porch. #alfresco #dinner #pizza Dinner on the back porch. #alfresco #dinner #pizza #arizmendi #evening
My sacred music day where I pay homage to Duke Ell My sacred music day where I pay homage to Duke Ellington (1899-1974) and Ustad Alla Rakha (1919-2000) on their shared birthday. This year I’m also celebrating the 100th birthday anniversary of harmonica and whistling maestro Toots Thielemans (1922-2016). Enjoy the music of all of these legends! ✌🏾 ❤️ 🎶 
#dukeellington #allarakha #abbaji #tootsthielemans #centenary #happybirthday #music
Happy Birthday Ella Fitzgerald! Born on this day i Happy Birthday Ella Fitzgerald! Born on this day in 1917. 
#ella #ellafitzgerald #firstladyofsong #jazz
It’s the only home we got. Let’s treat it with It’s the only home we got. Let’s treat it with respect and love. 
#earthday #earthday2022 #home #planet #environment
A harrowing day, but it ended safely. I’m home n A harrowing day, but it ended safely. I’m home now with a nice cup of tea. ☕️ 
#berkeley #shelterinplace #allclear #home #tea #murchies
This pale blue beauty is destined to become part o This pale blue beauty is destined to become part of my #sundaybrunch #pancakes. Fresh from my next door neighbor!
Celebrating the centenary of a great musician. Hap Celebrating the centenary of a great musician. Happy 100th Birthday Ustad Ali Akbar Khan Sahib!!! His great legacy lives on. 
#aliakbarkhan #centenary #indianclassicalmusic #sarode
Load More... Follow on Instagram

Facebook

Subscribe by email:

Archives

Blogroll

  • Life During Wartime – The Trump Years
  • Patricia Dunn – Author
  • Philip Robinson, poet
  • The Outspoken – You're Welcome
  • Uppity Negro Network

Interests

  • Cassini Probe @ Saturn
  • Daily Kos
  • Doctor Who
  • KCSM – Jazz 91
  • Makeup to Go!
  • The Root

Tags

99% african-american AIDS Bay Area bigotry Billy Strayhorn black Black Lives Matter climate change Duke Ellington dystopia dystopian fiction gay growing up gay healthcare history homophobia jazz LGBT LGBTQ literature marriage equality music North Korea novel Oakland police brutality politics queer queerlit queer lit racism rant reading Religion Republicans Romney SATR science fiction Sin Against the Race Trayvon Martin Trump women in jazz writing

Meta

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
©2022 the gar spot | Theme by SuperbThemes